Behavioral psychologist Dr. Robin Buckley said: ” Being too nice to people also means that you don’t want to get into a state of anxiety because of disappointing others .” This psychological discomfort often comes from a past experience where your rejection inadvertently led to an undesirable outcome. It can also stem from being influenced by unhealthy relationships in the family. From there, you inadvertently assume that always agreeing to every suggestion in a friendly manner is a good thing to do. 

However, in the long run, “struggling” to be kind can be exhausting, even resentful. Being too kind to people can also sometimes trigger a “crisis” within us. Dr. Angelo – marriage and family therapist – says: “ When you inadvertently form the habit of ‘always being there when others need it’, you inadvertently lose yourself, what you really want. own desires and feelings. This can also affect your relationships, making them less healthy .” 

Let’s take a look at the 10 signs below to check if you are behaving too well with others and unintentionally harming yourself. 

1. You keep saying sorry

People who are too kind often say sorry for everything as a natural reflex. However, like thank you, apologies should be used at the right time, in the right place, for the right audience so as not to lose its true meaning.

If you miss a word, have to cancel at the last minute, or make a mistake, you should definitely say sorry. In cases where it is not necessary to say sorry, others may understand that you have just made a mistake when you did not. 

You can limit your repeated apologies by trying to count how many times you say “sorry” in a day. Seeing specific numbers is sometimes an effective way to reduce your “sorry” times. Besides, you can also try changing the way you respond. For example, when you’re late for an appointment, instead of saying “sorry,” you could thank your friend for waiting patiently without complaining. 

2. Your needs are rarely met

People who are too kind are often easily taken advantage of by others. Sometimes, because you are too kind, you are easily asked by people around you, from friends , relatives to colleagues to the point that you have to put aside your own needs. Helping others when they are in need is a good deed. Even so, you should consciously rethink your relationship with the people you’ve helped if they “disappear” when you need them most. 

Being too nice to others robs you of energy, making you feel like you have less space and time for yourself. This also inadvertently creates a habit of relying on those around you because they know you will never let them down.

For that reason, you should be honest with yourself and express your needs. Let those around you know that you need help and support when you’re having a hard time. At the same time, you also need to prioritize your own happiness. While helping others, you should also take care of yourself. Prioritize getting things done for yourself before agreeing to help someone else. This will take some time to get used to, but once you do, your life will be a lot different. 

 

3. You feel uncomfortable after saying yes

If you often have the thought that “others only like me when I give them some value”, be sober and look at this from a more optimistic perspective. According to psychologist Allison Gervais, this can be seen as a familiar “dialogue” that people too kind use as a way to reduce anxiety. You often easily accept other people’s suggestions just out of fear that you will be judged or hated. Doing this inadvertently accumulates resentment for yourself. 

Being dishonest with yourself never makes you feel good. You should learn to say no more often. Before agreeing to something, think about the important things around you and save that agreement for the things that need to be prioritized. 

When you first practice saying no, you will tend to find ways to explain yourself so that you don’t feel “apologetic” to the other person and worry about how the other person will handle the rejection. will appear. In such cases, stay away from the other person as soon as you refuse, think about your own time and important personal things, you will quickly forget that “guilty” feeling and focus on into your work. 

4. You often get dragged into things you don’t want to do 

Spend some time thinking about your groups of friends. Do you find yourself constantly being dragged into “fun” that you yourself do not feel the joy in? If this happens all the time, it’s a sign that you’re being too kind to say no. This situation occurs perhaps because you have not boldly expressed your opinion. Psychologist Cynthia Hallow said that people who behave too well often feel very shy to express their wishes and often ignore their own needs in favor of the likes of others. 

The state of forcing yourself to participate in other people’s fun for a long time can make you feel bored and tired. Therefore, if you feel uncomfortable, you should politely decline invitations to meetings or parties with friends. If they are true friends, they will always listen, respect your opinions and will invite you to join the fun that is more suitable for you.

5. You reject your own ideas 

Have you ever denied or even downplayed your own opinion? People who behave too well are prone to such situations because they tend to think that they are not good enough to meet the standards that others expect. That’s why they underestimate their own ideas and think it makes them look more approachable and likeable.

This is an unhealthy habit you should give up today. The next time you’re about to utter self-deprecating words of your own, be sober and dismiss those intentions. You should consciously practice this regularly to completely stop this habit that negatively affects mental health. 

6. People often say bad things about you

When people around you start saying bad things, or come to you to vent negative emotions without caring how you’re feeling, this is one of the most obvious signs. It shows that you are being too kind to people. 

When you’re too kind, you unknowingly become the “reception” of people’s bad moods, malicious comments, and judgments. They won’t dare say those things to others but will share them with you because they know you won’t judge them and will quickly let it go.

In situations like these, experts recommend drawing a line on who often turns to you to release negativity. You should resolutely express your dissatisfaction and express your feelings when constantly receiving bad words and stories from them to protect your mental health as well as your positive energy. . 

7. You are not honest with yourself

Do you feel that what you say, how you choose to behave is not really what you want to do? About this, psychotherapist Melissa Fulgieri, who has 10 years of experience in the field of psychotherapy in New York, says: “Sometimes, we feel upset, angry or jealous, but has the exact opposite effect. It’s basically a defense mechanism that “nice” people use to reassure themselves .”

You should understand that there is nothing wrong with expressing your opinion. In fact, when you stay true to yourself, it helps you attract relationships of the same frequency as well as get rid of those who don’t think the same. So when you feel uncomfortable with unhappy things, don’t try to be happy, but express to your partner what you really feel. When you stay true to yourself, the people who truly love and cherish you will never leave. 

8. You feel drained

If you are always trying to please others, put up with others when they do, or always try to fulfill the role of “a nice person,” you will soon fall into a state of physical and mental exhaustion. God. 

You should make a distinction between being nice to people and being the right kind of person. Being kind doesn’t mean trying to bring out the best for others, but about giving them what they deserve and being willing to let them take the consequences for what they’ve done. However, take care and make yourself a priority. The more you appreciate yourself, the more energy you will have to live a happier life. 

9. You are afraid of confrontation

Limiting arguments and avoiding conflicts is normal. However, if you don’t want to confront the problem just because you don’t dare to speak your mind and are afraid that others will retaliate, this is a sign that you are too kind to everyone around you. . 

You can prevent this from happening again by practicing assertiveness both in your thoughts and actions. Being assertive doesn’t mean being mean or rude. It’s simply standing up for yourself. This is something you can practice little by little through activities in your daily life. You can also get help from therapists to become more assertive. 

10. You unknowingly become someone else’s “need” 

When you treat people too well, you inadvertently show them that you don’t hesitate to accept anything when they need you. It inadvertently gives them the impression that you are partly responsible for their problems. The fact that you have been treating people so well makes them depend on you, rely on and expect from you. 

Therefore, when the people around you start to drag you into their problems excessively, you should ask yourself if you have enough time and energy to help them solve these problems and put limit yourself. You should express that you feel appreciated that they trust you and choose to share your story, even though you can’t always help them with their personal issues. This may take some time for both you and them to get used to because the two of you have inadvertently created a pretty deep bond. Setting specific limits is something you should do to protect your own mental health. It also helps people who often depend on you to become more independent and stable.